Rainy weather blues with a side of rant

OK - so Seattle is known for it's rain...but seriously??  This has been the wettest spring on record (so I was told on the local news) and all I could think was NO SHIT!  We have not had two nice days string together yet!  This bums me out on so many levels.  I have only managed one day working in my yard because we have only had one sunny day which actually fell on a weekend!  I have not been able to run after work because I admit, I am a wuss and only like to run when it's not a downpour! If I wake up (like this morning) and it is not yet raining...it's 44 degrees so I am not stoked to head outside and do some weeding!  I know that eventually spring will get here...or maybe we are just skipping spring this year and heading straight into summer!!!

On to my rant (surprisingly my weather commentary was NOT the rant I was referring to).

I am really frustrated, angry, mad, disappointed, and a hundred more words that I can't even come up with at this point.

Society hates fat people.  OK - maybe not ALL of society...but a damn large portion.  I get that...I may not like it...but I get it.  For whatever reason, overweight people make us uncomfortable.  I am sure there are studies as to why this is...but society's anger of fat people is not even what has me steaming.  So here it is...  If the "goal" in society is to be thin...why then do we judge people for how they achieve that?  Why are there only two acceptable ways to "get there"?

From what I have observed in my life, there are really only two acceptable ways to get thin.  Only two ways in which thin people will accept you into the "club".  One way is to be born with the genetics to be thin.  You know the people I am talking about...the ones who eat anything and everything and never gain weight...the ones who haven't ever set foot in a gym...the ones who say "all I do is walk 10,000 steps a day, that's all you need really"...it's maddening to talk with those people about my weight because they truly do not understand that their body is unique and that not everyone has the blessing of that metabolism!  The other acceptable way is to set yourself on a plan of diet and exercise where you burn more calories than you take in and over time you lose all the excess weight.  Oh boy...that one is the one that has gotten me into more arguments than any other.

From the time I was a small child, I have understood that weight loss is a battle...a war waged with your own mind and body.  My mother was overweight later in her life.  She had to have a hysterectomy in her very early 40's which threw her immediately into menopause.  Back in the 70's, the doctors would start you on a regime of hormone therapy after this surgery.  Those hormones combined with the affects of menopause caused her to go from a healthy 140 pounds to over 200 pounds in just a couple of years.  She tried everything...we lived on a farm, so our diet was about as healthy as could be.  We ate from our own garden and the chicken and beef we ate was raised right on our farm.  Looking back, I can now see how frustrated and unhappy my mom was.  My stepfather, a nice hardworking man, wanted his slim wife back and didn't understand why my mom couldn't just lose the weight.  Hell, he didn't understand how she had put the weight on in the first place!  Thus began a vicious cycle for my mom of dieting - losing weight...gaining it back plus a few more pounds...the classic "yo-yo syndrome".  My dad would say things to her like "you just need to push yourself away from the table" or "you could stand to skip a meal or two".  At the time I was only about 10 or 11 and I didn't understand how much his words hurt my mom.  She would double her efforts...she joined Weight Watchers...Nutrisystem...Jenny Craig...Adkins...and even diet pills at one point.  Nothing worked for very long.  She would see results for about a month and then nothing.  I wish I had understood more back then.  I was a skinny kid.  I had farm chores which got me up early and to bed late.  Before school and after school I worked around the house or out in the fields...no candy, soda, pizza, etc...so you could count my ribs.  I never understood how my mom had gained weight...because back then, you didn't talk to your kids about your health, your happiness, or your sadness.  Kids were not a part of those discussions.  My mom and I were always very close and so as I got older, we did have those conversations...but it hurts me to know how long she suffered in silence.

Fast forward to my adult life.  I weighed about 110 pounds when I graduated from high school.  I was an active kid even then.  Played sports, walked or rode my bike everywhere, never gave a thought to my weight.  We move to Seattle when I was 15 and I experienced fast food for really the first time in my life.  But my metabolism was a healthy one and I had no issues with weight.  After high school, I got a full time job and went to college.  The combination of school and work had me sitting on my butt for a lot of my day and weight started creeping on.  Not enough for me to worry about, but when I graduated from college,  I had put on about 20 pounds.  I decided that I was NOT going to go the route of my mom...I was going to kick these extra pounds to the curb!  I joined Weight Watchers and lost all of the weight and then some.  I hit my lifetime membership mark at 106 pounds!  Problem solved!  Except that isn't really how life works.  106 was not a realistic weight and within 6 months I was back up to 115.  That weight was a good one for me and I was sure I could maintain it.  I met my husband in the mid 80's and we liked to cook and drink and lay around watching movies and the weight began to creep up even more.  By the time I was pregnant with my first child I was up to 135. I went a little crazy during that pregnancy and gained 65 pounds, and for the rest of my life (until VSG surgery) I followed in my mother's footsteps almost exactly.  I dieted (almost every one she tried and I added a few new ones)...I had a husband who hated the fact that I was overweight and didn't mind telling me all the ways I was...lazy, not trying, a bad role model for my daughters, etc.  How I longed for something that would make a difference!

Fast forward again to 2015...my husband had passed away and I found myself alone for the first time in 20 years.  Kids moved out (one was away at college) and I had no real desire to do anything.  Depression set in and my weight ballooned up to 225 pounds!  I am only 5'2" so that is a lot of weight!  A friends wife shared with me that she had gone to Mexico and had VSG surgery.  She lost weight that she had been struggling for years to lose - in one year!  I did a lot of research and decided that was what I wanted to do too.  So I did it...and it worked!!  I lost 60 pounds in the first year and 15 more in the second year.  WooHoo - I made it!  I am in the "thin club"!!  Except no...I wasn't.  I didn't lose the weight "honestly"...it got to where I never told anyone about the surgery.  I was looked at as a "cheater"...a "fake" thin person.  The worst part was that I still didn't feel good about my body.  As you can imagine...54 year old skin that has been impossibly stretched through two pregnancies and two decades of yo-yo dieting is NOT going to snap back just because you deflated the fat underneath!  So I decided that since no one wanted me in the "thin club" anyway, I was going to go back to Mexico and have plastic surgery on my stomach and my boobs so that I at least liked the result of all my hard work.  And YES - it was hard work.

This brings me to the end of my rant with these parting words...I need some thin person to tell me why the hell it matters HOW someone loses weight...if being thin is "all about health" (as many have told me) then I have achieved that...my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, etc are all normal now (which they were not prior to losing the weight).  If it's "all about looking good", then plastic surgery took care of that.  My 10 pound belly apron is gone and my boobs are back up to where they were in my 30's.  But still they judge...I just don't get it.  I don't want to have to hide my journey!  I would like to be able to talk with other overweight people and tell them about it - in case, like me, they are looking for another avenue to explore in their wish for a slimmer and healthier life.  But I don't feel like I can do that.  If I talk about it, people (even my own children) shun the thought that what I did was a good idea.  They have lived through it, and just want to forget it happened.  They want me to shut up about it so I can be in "the club".  I never understood how people could have weight loss surgery, lose the weight, and then gain it back again.  Now I understand...when you do all the work, and still are not accepted into the club...you end up saying "fuck it" and going back to your old habits.  Because at least the "fat club" is accepting...they don't care how you got fat, when you got fat, or why you got fat...you're in!  Maybe if thin people understood how their actions cause such emotional damage to people struggling to be like them then they would change.  Or maybe, they are afraid that too many of us are going to find ways to lose the weight and they won't be special anymore...and they can't handle that.  I don't know...but I vow today to form a new "club".  I am going to call it... FYIGTOMOT - Fuck you, I got thin on my own terms!  Anyone can join...come over to the dark side...we won't judge.

Rant over...

Bandage free and feeling great!

I am happy to report that I am finally bandage free!!  Every incision is completely healed including the place on my breast where the stitch had popped.  It is so nice to not have my bathroom look like a triage unit anymore!

I have been cleared from the good doctor to resume all my normal activities.  So I have started running again.  Slowly for now...I have done a one mile and a two mile run and a three mile run/walk.  I also mowed my own lawn yesterday!  After a couple of months of really no upper body workout, boy was I sore by bedtime last night!!  I was just sure I would be as stiff as a board this morning, but I wasn't!  I am ready to get back to my normal fitness routine so that I am ready for the running season (which for me starts with my first 5K next month).  I have a lot of ground to make up before I tackle my first half marathon in August!

I have been doing Weight Watchers with my youngest daughter and so far have lost another 4 pounds.  I am about 12 pounds away from my ultimate goal of 135.  I think that getting back to my workouts will really help in that regard.  I have been doing a lot of cooking from various Weight Watchers recipes and we have really been enjoying it this time!

I am still wearing my compression garment every day.  I wear my loosest one at night while I sleep and then the tighter ones during the day.  I asked Dr R if it was OK to continue to wear them and he said yes, so I am going to wear the garment until the weather gets too hot to stand it.  I can't explain it, but I feel so much better when I am wearing the garment than not.  Last Saturday I wore Spanx for the first time and that worked fairly well.  I am going to alternate occasionally to see if I can't feel just as good in less compression.

My new clothes that I just bought are getting big on me already.  I guess I jumped the gun by purchasing them too soon after surgery.  I bought a pair of slacks (clearance) last week that were a size 8 and I feel like that is where I am going to end up.  A friend told me that he thinks I am going to get smaller than an 8...so we will see.  I can't imagine an 8 - let alone anything smaller.  It is hard to believe the incredible different in my body shape.  I am still getting used to it.  I still think I need to lift up my breast when I am in the shower to wash under it.  Then when I try...there is no "lift" as it is already lifted!!  LOL

I will post more after pictures at the three month mark.  I think there will be a big difference in my scarring by then so there will be something new to show.  Please Lord...let spring hurry up and get here!!  I am so sick of rain!!!

Thinking warm thoughts...until next time...