A before and after look...

I was going for a run with my daughter last night and asked her to snap a pic before we started.  I need to continually remind myself of how far I have come...I need to constantly encourage myself to keep the journey going...I need proof that I have made changes and that I can see those changes if only I will open my eyes.

Like a lot of people, I still see the overweight me when I look in the mirror.  It is a mind boggling fact and I don't understand it...but I am trying to force myself to take a real look and be kinder and more accepting to my own body.  So here is a before and after for posterity...I still want to lose another 15 pounds - but that is NOT going to stop me from celebrating how far I have come !!!

Rainy weather blues with a side of rant

OK - so Seattle is known for it's rain...but seriously??  This has been the wettest spring on record (so I was told on the local news) and all I could think was NO SHIT!  We have not had two nice days string together yet!  This bums me out on so many levels.  I have only managed one day working in my yard because we have only had one sunny day which actually fell on a weekend!  I have not been able to run after work because I admit, I am a wuss and only like to run when it's not a downpour! If I wake up (like this morning) and it is not yet raining...it's 44 degrees so I am not stoked to head outside and do some weeding!  I know that eventually spring will get here...or maybe we are just skipping spring this year and heading straight into summer!!!

On to my rant (surprisingly my weather commentary was NOT the rant I was referring to).

I am really frustrated, angry, mad, disappointed, and a hundred more words that I can't even come up with at this point.

Society hates fat people.  OK - maybe not ALL of society...but a damn large portion.  I get that...I may not like it...but I get it.  For whatever reason, overweight people make us uncomfortable.  I am sure there are studies as to why this is...but society's anger of fat people is not even what has me steaming.  So here it is...  If the "goal" in society is to be thin...why then do we judge people for how they achieve that?  Why are there only two acceptable ways to "get there"?

From what I have observed in my life, there are really only two acceptable ways to get thin.  Only two ways in which thin people will accept you into the "club".  One way is to be born with the genetics to be thin.  You know the people I am talking about...the ones who eat anything and everything and never gain weight...the ones who haven't ever set foot in a gym...the ones who say "all I do is walk 10,000 steps a day, that's all you need really"...it's maddening to talk with those people about my weight because they truly do not understand that their body is unique and that not everyone has the blessing of that metabolism!  The other acceptable way is to set yourself on a plan of diet and exercise where you burn more calories than you take in and over time you lose all the excess weight.  Oh boy...that one is the one that has gotten me into more arguments than any other.

From the time I was a small child, I have understood that weight loss is a battle...a war waged with your own mind and body.  My mother was overweight later in her life.  She had to have a hysterectomy in her very early 40's which threw her immediately into menopause.  Back in the 70's, the doctors would start you on a regime of hormone therapy after this surgery.  Those hormones combined with the affects of menopause caused her to go from a healthy 140 pounds to over 200 pounds in just a couple of years.  She tried everything...we lived on a farm, so our diet was about as healthy as could be.  We ate from our own garden and the chicken and beef we ate was raised right on our farm.  Looking back, I can now see how frustrated and unhappy my mom was.  My stepfather, a nice hardworking man, wanted his slim wife back and didn't understand why my mom couldn't just lose the weight.  Hell, he didn't understand how she had put the weight on in the first place!  Thus began a vicious cycle for my mom of dieting - losing weight...gaining it back plus a few more pounds...the classic "yo-yo syndrome".  My dad would say things to her like "you just need to push yourself away from the table" or "you could stand to skip a meal or two".  At the time I was only about 10 or 11 and I didn't understand how much his words hurt my mom.  She would double her efforts...she joined Weight Watchers...Nutrisystem...Jenny Craig...Adkins...and even diet pills at one point.  Nothing worked for very long.  She would see results for about a month and then nothing.  I wish I had understood more back then.  I was a skinny kid.  I had farm chores which got me up early and to bed late.  Before school and after school I worked around the house or out in the fields...no candy, soda, pizza, etc...so you could count my ribs.  I never understood how my mom had gained weight...because back then, you didn't talk to your kids about your health, your happiness, or your sadness.  Kids were not a part of those discussions.  My mom and I were always very close and so as I got older, we did have those conversations...but it hurts me to know how long she suffered in silence.

Fast forward to my adult life.  I weighed about 110 pounds when I graduated from high school.  I was an active kid even then.  Played sports, walked or rode my bike everywhere, never gave a thought to my weight.  We move to Seattle when I was 15 and I experienced fast food for really the first time in my life.  But my metabolism was a healthy one and I had no issues with weight.  After high school, I got a full time job and went to college.  The combination of school and work had me sitting on my butt for a lot of my day and weight started creeping on.  Not enough for me to worry about, but when I graduated from college,  I had put on about 20 pounds.  I decided that I was NOT going to go the route of my mom...I was going to kick these extra pounds to the curb!  I joined Weight Watchers and lost all of the weight and then some.  I hit my lifetime membership mark at 106 pounds!  Problem solved!  Except that isn't really how life works.  106 was not a realistic weight and within 6 months I was back up to 115.  That weight was a good one for me and I was sure I could maintain it.  I met my husband in the mid 80's and we liked to cook and drink and lay around watching movies and the weight began to creep up even more.  By the time I was pregnant with my first child I was up to 135. I went a little crazy during that pregnancy and gained 65 pounds, and for the rest of my life (until VSG surgery) I followed in my mother's footsteps almost exactly.  I dieted (almost every one she tried and I added a few new ones)...I had a husband who hated the fact that I was overweight and didn't mind telling me all the ways I was...lazy, not trying, a bad role model for my daughters, etc.  How I longed for something that would make a difference!

Fast forward again to 2015...my husband had passed away and I found myself alone for the first time in 20 years.  Kids moved out (one was away at college) and I had no real desire to do anything.  Depression set in and my weight ballooned up to 225 pounds!  I am only 5'2" so that is a lot of weight!  A friends wife shared with me that she had gone to Mexico and had VSG surgery.  She lost weight that she had been struggling for years to lose - in one year!  I did a lot of research and decided that was what I wanted to do too.  So I did it...and it worked!!  I lost 60 pounds in the first year and 15 more in the second year.  WooHoo - I made it!  I am in the "thin club"!!  Except no...I wasn't.  I didn't lose the weight "honestly"...it got to where I never told anyone about the surgery.  I was looked at as a "cheater"...a "fake" thin person.  The worst part was that I still didn't feel good about my body.  As you can imagine...54 year old skin that has been impossibly stretched through two pregnancies and two decades of yo-yo dieting is NOT going to snap back just because you deflated the fat underneath!  So I decided that since no one wanted me in the "thin club" anyway, I was going to go back to Mexico and have plastic surgery on my stomach and my boobs so that I at least liked the result of all my hard work.  And YES - it was hard work.

This brings me to the end of my rant with these parting words...I need some thin person to tell me why the hell it matters HOW someone loses weight...if being thin is "all about health" (as many have told me) then I have achieved that...my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, etc are all normal now (which they were not prior to losing the weight).  If it's "all about looking good", then plastic surgery took care of that.  My 10 pound belly apron is gone and my boobs are back up to where they were in my 30's.  But still they judge...I just don't get it.  I don't want to have to hide my journey!  I would like to be able to talk with other overweight people and tell them about it - in case, like me, they are looking for another avenue to explore in their wish for a slimmer and healthier life.  But I don't feel like I can do that.  If I talk about it, people (even my own children) shun the thought that what I did was a good idea.  They have lived through it, and just want to forget it happened.  They want me to shut up about it so I can be in "the club".  I never understood how people could have weight loss surgery, lose the weight, and then gain it back again.  Now I understand...when you do all the work, and still are not accepted into the club...you end up saying "fuck it" and going back to your old habits.  Because at least the "fat club" is accepting...they don't care how you got fat, when you got fat, or why you got fat...you're in!  Maybe if thin people understood how their actions cause such emotional damage to people struggling to be like them then they would change.  Or maybe, they are afraid that too many of us are going to find ways to lose the weight and they won't be special anymore...and they can't handle that.  I don't know...but I vow today to form a new "club".  I am going to call it... FYIGTOMOT - Fuck you, I got thin on my own terms!  Anyone can join...come over to the dark side...we won't judge.

Rant over...

Bandage free and feeling great!

I am happy to report that I am finally bandage free!!  Every incision is completely healed including the place on my breast where the stitch had popped.  It is so nice to not have my bathroom look like a triage unit anymore!

I have been cleared from the good doctor to resume all my normal activities.  So I have started running again.  Slowly for now...I have done a one mile and a two mile run and a three mile run/walk.  I also mowed my own lawn yesterday!  After a couple of months of really no upper body workout, boy was I sore by bedtime last night!!  I was just sure I would be as stiff as a board this morning, but I wasn't!  I am ready to get back to my normal fitness routine so that I am ready for the running season (which for me starts with my first 5K next month).  I have a lot of ground to make up before I tackle my first half marathon in August!

I have been doing Weight Watchers with my youngest daughter and so far have lost another 4 pounds.  I am about 12 pounds away from my ultimate goal of 135.  I think that getting back to my workouts will really help in that regard.  I have been doing a lot of cooking from various Weight Watchers recipes and we have really been enjoying it this time!

I am still wearing my compression garment every day.  I wear my loosest one at night while I sleep and then the tighter ones during the day.  I asked Dr R if it was OK to continue to wear them and he said yes, so I am going to wear the garment until the weather gets too hot to stand it.  I can't explain it, but I feel so much better when I am wearing the garment than not.  Last Saturday I wore Spanx for the first time and that worked fairly well.  I am going to alternate occasionally to see if I can't feel just as good in less compression.

My new clothes that I just bought are getting big on me already.  I guess I jumped the gun by purchasing them too soon after surgery.  I bought a pair of slacks (clearance) last week that were a size 8 and I feel like that is where I am going to end up.  A friend told me that he thinks I am going to get smaller than an 8...so we will see.  I can't imagine an 8 - let alone anything smaller.  It is hard to believe the incredible different in my body shape.  I am still getting used to it.  I still think I need to lift up my breast when I am in the shower to wash under it.  Then when I try...there is no "lift" as it is already lifted!!  LOL

I will post more after pictures at the three month mark.  I think there will be a big difference in my scarring by then so there will be something new to show.  Please Lord...let spring hurry up and get here!!  I am so sick of rain!!!

Thinking warm thoughts...until next time...

The long awaited...Before and After Pics!

Friday marked my 4 week surgiversary!  Wow - that month went by so quickly!!  I am feeling better these last few days.  I even managed to shower in the morning once last week!  I don't really mind showering at night...except for the fact that my hair just doesn't bounce back in the mornings!  Oh well...I work at a lumber yard...NOT a fashion outpost!

I went on Saturday for my second lymphatic drainage massage.  It is amazing how much better I feel immediately afterwards.  I was telling my daughter that it is almost like I just did 45 minutes of yoga.  I feel relaxed, refreshed and much less stiff than when I went in.  I am glad I have 9 more sessions left!  I am still struggling with swelling.  And not just swelling around my mid-section.  Swelling everywhere!  I have discovered that I can go one day without my compression stockings with no problem...but try and add a second day and my ankles swell up like balloons!  Bummer!  I look forward to the day when I don't have to wrap myself up like a brautwurst...but I have a sinking feeling that day is long into the future!  Doctor said to wear the compression garment for 6-8 weeks...or until my swelling is minimal.  The way I feel, that may take 3-4 months!  I did buy an extra garment...so now I have three.  That really helps with the laundry...but they are so darn expensive!  If they were $50, I would have 5 by now!  But at $100-$120, I will have to settle for three!

I had something exciting happen yesterday.  I was trying to find something to wear to work on Friday besides jeans because I had a lunch meeting with one of our store managers to discuss some receiving and stock issues and I thought I would dress up a little.  None of my dress slacks fit...they were all really baggy and didn't look good at all.  So I asked my daughter if she would go shopping with me to buy a few new pair of work pants.  We went to my favorite store - Loft - to see if they had anything as they were having a 40% off sale!  I love a good sale!!!  I had it stuck in my head that I was a size 14 so that is the size I grabbed to try on.  My daughter was saying that 14's were the size I had at home that were too big...but at Loft they have petites...which I love because then I don't have to hem them...so I was sure that a 14 would be fine.  Wrong!  They were just as baggy as my pants at home.  Cue the big "I told you so" from my 23 year old!  So I asked the salesperson if she could bring me a pair of 12's.  Now...I think the last time I wore a size 12 was before my oldest daughter (who is now 27) was born.  I just couldn't believe that a size 12 would fit me...and I was right...but not for the reason I thought.  A size 12 was too big!!  What???  That is impossible.  I told my daughter that I thought they fit fine...after all, I am old and don't want to wear skin tight pants.  She said for God's sake Mom...look at them...you could fit a diaper in there!  The salesperson, being the good diplomat, suggested that I try on a size 10 so that I could see which ones were more comfortable.  While she went to get a pair, I was telling my daughter that there was no way and that I was going to look like a crazy person to even try them on.  She just smirked and said "we'll see".  And dammit, she was right! The size 10 (let me just say that again...SIZE 10) fit me to a tee.  Not too tight, and they did look very nice.  Then my daughter said something that really made me take note..."Mom, why have you done all this work, and had surgery, and still you are hiding your body?"  Well hell...when did she get so wise?  So with those words ringing in my ears, I bought 4 new pairs of pants and three new shirts (all daughter approved).  I can't wait to wear a new outfit to work and celebrate my new body instead of hiding it!

So enough procrastinating...here are my pre-op and one month post-op photos.  Bandage on my breast is due to a spot that is not healing as well as everything else...other than that, all is on track.

I was amazed when I saw the picture of my breasts.  I don't know how I never noticed that they were drastically uneven!  I guess I just never looked and I ALWAYS wore a bra!

You can see how swollen I still am...but I am really happy to have the hanging belly gone and the smaller breasts are fabulous!  I am hoping that in another month, I can post more pics that show a better overall shape...but to be honest, even this shape is worlds better than what I had!  And no...I am not tan...that is just the difference between hospital lighting, and bedroom lighting!!!

Thanks for listening!  Have a wonderful week!

Back to work...and the real world

Just a quick note to say that I survived my first week back at work.  The first few days were tough because I was very stiff and sore and I walked around like I was 90 years old.  A few people asked me if my back was bothering me and I told them the truth...yes it is!

Driving is also a bit hard as I can't really twist around...but I am making it work.  When I get home at the end of the day, I eat a bite and then go straight to the shower and bed.  I have been showering at night because the whole ritual of taking off the garment, then the dressings, then showering, then drying off, and going through the routine of re-dressing the wounds, and then getting back into all my garments takes me at least an hour!  Then I have to dry my hair!  There is no way I could do all that in the morning before work!  I would have to get up at 4am, and anyone who knows me knows that is NOT happening!!!  So for now I have my evening routine and that certainly wears me out so that I sleep well.

I can't say that every day gets better...but I can say that there is a "trend" toward feeling more like my old self.  One thing good that happened is that I found a place near my home that has "mechanical lymphatic drainage".  I called them to find out more and it turns out that it's sort of a suit that you put on...it goes around each leg and foot, around your middle, and down each arm.  The suit inflates and deflates in a particular pattern which helps your lymphatic system keep things moving.  I wasn't sure if I would like it, but after I got used to the feeling, it was wonderful.  I actually fell asleep!  It costs $45 for 45 minutes (which is cheaper than the massages I had at the Casa) and so I was thinking that I would do them once a week for a month or so.  Then I found out that I could buy a punchcard for 10 massages for $300 which (even I can do this math) makes them only $30 per massage.  So I bought the punchcard and now I will be getting massages for the next couple of months!  I am really excited about this and hope it helps me keep the swelling down!

I am on week two back at work now and today was my best day yet (more of that healing trend).  My smaller garment (while still tight) no longer feels like it's purpose is to rob me of breath until I pass out!  So that is progress!  I have a new garment coming later this week so that I don't have to do so much washing all week long!  Looking forward to that.  Also my friend who is a nurse is coming on Wednesday night to remove all my remaining stitches.  I only have them in each hip and in my belly button so hopefully it will be easy for her.  I am now officially caught up on blogging.  Sorry that it took so long to get through everything!!

Well that's all for now...stay tuned for pics this weekend!

All good things must come to an end.

Saturday, February 18th - time to pack up and head back to the real world!  Lupita came in this morning to check my drain one last time and pronounced it ready to be pulled!  There was a nursing student shadowing her this morning so she got to be in on the excitement.  When they pulled my drain in the doctors office, I could hardly feel it.  Just that quick "slithery" feeling (ewww)...but the remaining one really didn't want to come out!  It still didn't hurt, but when she pulled on it, it felt like someone was playing tug-of-war with my spleen!  You could see it under the skin but it wouldn't let go!  Lupita told me to take another deep breath and she pulled again and it felt like there was a little "pop" and then I could feel it moving.  After that, it was a piece of cake!  Lupita thought it might still leak a little - especially since I was going on a plane, so she packed it nice and tight with bandages.

I decided that since I didn't have any drains I would wear leggings and a long shirt on the plane ride home.  I put on my tightest compression garment (who needs to breathe anyway), my compression stockings, and I was ready to go.  Lupita carried my backpack downstairs.  She is still amazed that I packed everything I needed in a backpack!  I really didn't need much.  I think if I was to do it over again, the only other thing I would have bought to bring would have been a light weight robe.  They had one to lend me though and when Dawn left, she gave me hers so I used that one until I came home and then left it there for the next person who doesn't bring one!  Everything else that I brought I used so I think I did pretty darn good!

Forgot to mention that when I woke up this morning there wasn't a cloud in the sky!  That storm blew all the way through! We sailed on in to Tijuana, but then came to a road that was completely flooded.  I will add some photos eventually to give you an idea.  I was a little freaked out because the water was up to the wheel wells on the cars!  Lety said not to worry, she drives through this a lot because in TJ they don't have good drainage!  She had come to get me 5 hours before my flight, and  normally I would think that was a ridiculous amount of time...but our new president has made the Mexican border a torture like no other.  It took us two full hours to get across the border and there weren't really that many cars!  To put it into perspective, 2 years ago when I was coming home from my VSG surgery, I think it took us about 5 minutes to cross into the US.  The border agent questioned the hell out of me about why I was in Mexico.  I had been warned to only answer the exact question I was asked...so it went something like this...

Border Agent (BA) - Are you Phyllis Ellis?
Me - Yes
BA - Why were you in Mexico?
Me - I had surgery
BA - What kind of surgery?
Me - Plastic Surgery
BA - What did you have done?
Me - None of your business  - KIDDING!!  I said a breast lift and a tummy tuck
BA - Why didn't you have that surgery in the states?
Me - Well, I don't know if you have looked at the costs, but it is at least double at home
BA - Do you have any drugs that you are bringing back?
Me - Yes - I have antibiotics and painkillers
BA - What kind of painkillers?
Me - Ketorolac
BA - Stares me down like she thinks I am going to confess to something wicked...
Me - Smiles, smiles, smiles
BA - OK - drive forward

I told Lety - man, that was uncomfortable and I LIVE in the US.  I can't imagine how it is for other people!  She said that she crosses almost daily and it is never the same experience twice!  Totally depends on the agent and what kind of day they are having!  I know for certain that I couldn't do their job, so I am trying to cut them some slack.

After that, it was an easy drive to the airport where I had arranged for the wheelchair service.  I wasn't sure that I needed it, but I had been told to get it anyway and man oh man am I glad I did!  First, I had the sweetest young man pushing the wheelchair!  Second, security was a breeze (to be fair I have TSA precheck, so that might have helped.  And third, after we made it past security, he asked me if I needed to use the restroom...I said yes and he wheeled me right to the door.  Then he asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink and I said yes and he wheeled me to the coffee shop and waited while I got an iced coffee.  He then wheeled me right to the gate.  I had about 45 minutes to wait until my flight boarded so he parked me there and said he would be back.  He came back right on time and wheeled me all the way down to the door of the plane!  Then the flight attendant carried my bag and stowed it for me and I sat down.  Now, I had splurged and bought a first class ticket for the way home and that was nice as well.  They served a light lunch and I watched a movie and before I knew it, I was home!  As I got off the plane, a wheelchair was waiting for me and he wheeled me all the way to my son-in-laws car!  It was so nice to get home and not be exhausted from carrying my bag and walking!  Could I have done without the wheelchair...yes...but it really did make a difference in how I felt when I arrived home!

My two daughters and my son-in-law all came to the airport to get me and bring me home.  They had my bed all ready for me with tons of pillows, a water bottle, and they had even put together my new shower chair!  I was happy to be in my own bed and it did feel good to be home.  I have two full days at home to rest up and get ready for work on Tuesday.  I am hopeful that I will make it a full day on my first day back!  Only a handful of people know that I had surgery and I would prefer to keep it that way for a while.  Eventually, when I am all healed and back to my normal self, I won't care if people know...but for now I just want to keep it to myself and get healed and whole again.

Here is a picture of the flooded road we had to travel to get to the border.  As you can see, the water goes on for a long distance.  This weekend I will hit the one month mark since surgery.  I will post some before and after pics then as well as some photos from my stay at Casa del Angel.  Thanks for reading and for all the warm wishes too!

Living it up while I can...

Today is Thursday, February 17th and it's my last full day in the Casa.  The only thing I have on my schedule today is my last lymphatic drainage massage.  The package comes with 5 massages and I ended up purchasing 2 extras, which I had yesterday and today.  I hope to find a place at home to do these as I do feel like they are helping with the swelling - especially the lipo swelling in my back.  The tightness and achy feeling in my back is the only thing right now that is bothering me.  It's not "painful" necessarily, but it is uncomfortable and makes it difficult to sit or even lie down without a lot of maneuvering!

The weather today has completely changed from the warm sunny day I spent in Rosarito yesterday.  A storm is coming in and they are predicting high winds and a LOT of rain.  So I stayed indoors today.  Sat down in the lounge for a while and read a magazine.  Visited for just a bit with Amber.  Then I just laid in bed and relaxed and let everyone take care of me!  This 16 days was such a good investment for me.  Especially after I had to have surgery - round 2 !!  I am going to be in for a rude awakening at home!!  LOL

As the day progressed, the weather got worse and worse.  We lost power late in the afternoon, but it wasn't out for too long.  Lupita came around and gave us a candle to have in our room in case we lose power overnight.  The wind is blowing so hard and I can see branches blowing off trees!  The Pacific is rough and full of white caps...what a way to end my time here!  I went on line to look at flights out of San Diego and almost every flight for this evening is delayed.  They say that this weather is going to be here for a few days and so I am a little worried about getting home tomorrow.  I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I spent some time this afternoon saying goodbye to the nurses who will not be here in the morning.  Lupita will be here and she is the one that will pull my last drain!!  I will miss her so much!  It was like having my Mom take care of me...a combination of love, tenderness, and hard cold facts which I really appreciated!  I feel ready to go home...I am just a bit apprehensive about doing anything that will slow down my recovery!  I read stories about people who get seromas, infections, incisions that open up, etc and I know that can happen...I just want to do everything I can to lessen the chance of it happening to me.