Another week without making the changes I need to get back on track. I am so frustrated with myself. I find myself making some of the same stupid decisions I made when I was on my way to 225 pounds! I am considering going back to my therapist to see if we can't get to the bottom of why I am suddenly, after successfully losing 65 pounds, finding every way possible to sabotage myself!
Several thoughts about this on my own (without therapy) is that I find myself very uncomfortable with praise. I don't really know why this is...I have finally gotten into a somewhat normal size of clothing...I enjoy shopping, and while I don't wear anything that could even possibly be termed "revealing", I am dressing to highlight my new smaller figure. But last night, I went to our all company party and saw coworkers from other locations that have not seen me since last years event. As the compliments started rolling in, I could feel myself getting more and more uncomfortable. One possibility is that I spent about 20 years "hiding" myself and my body. It is very easy to stay in the background. Now, I don't want to be in the background anymore and yet the old me is still in my head spouting negativity. For every compliment I found myself spouting said negativity. Example..."Wow, you look fantastic! You look so happy and so much younger! I love your outfit, you look so tiny!" My responses..."thanks, I still have a long way to go"..."thanks, it's probably because I finally wore some makeup"..."thanks, but I got this on clearance and I am still trying to lose 20 more pounds!". What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just say thank you, absorb the compliment, and celebrate my success??? It is seriously starting to worry me...that this negativity is going to cause me to lose this hard fought battle!!!
When I had this surgery, and started dropping the extra weight, I would read stories about people who gained most or even all of their weight back and I just couldn't see how that would even be possible!! I am starting to get a better idea of how it happens...and I am scared to death!
Been super busy at work this last week...a couple of 12 hour days...with a big launch coming up in March that is going to result in a 70 hour work week. I need to use the rest of January and the month of February to get myself back on track and losing weight again. I have to keep with my program and not let all the outside BS derail my progress. That quick energy that I get from sugar and carbs is calling to me when I get tired and stressed and I have begun to add these back into my diet. But what happens is that I begin to crave them again...and then I am back to the danger zone!
My goal for this week is to have no added sugar or carbs. When I first had surgery, I quit these things cold turkey and I think that is the right way to handle it again. I will be cranky for the first couple of days...but I have to re-break this cycle and make it stick this time! I am NOT giving up. I am going to continue this battle until I emerge victorious! I may be down...but I am NOT out!
Until next week...
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