Tragedy and memories

Yesterday I experienced the first "stresser" since my surgery when I got a late night phone call telling me that my mother-in-law had passed away.  One year and one month ago my husband passed away and I have come to dread late night phone calls.  Got up, got dressed, grabbed a water bottle and headed (with my sister-in-law) to help her husband in any way we could.  Several crying jags and many hugs later I fell into bed in time to get about 4 hours of sleep. Then got up and got started on the million and one things that have to be done before her service later this month.  Phone calls to make, an obituary to write, a myriad of decisions to make and during all of it reminding myself to just breathe.

Now it's evening again and as I sit here consumed by memories it occurred to me that for the first time in my adult life I made it through a very difficult day without turning to food.  Wow...I have to let that soak in for a minute.  When my husband passed away, I at pizza for an entire week.  A lot of pizza...it was the only thing that I wanted.  When my mom passed away I drank.  When life got the better of me from time to time I either drowned my sorrows or ate them away.  Today, I had my protein shake to start the day, and then I had left over salmon to finish the day, and not once did I dream of hitting a drive through, or a liquor store.  In fact, I am sitting here right now looking at my wine rack and am not even tempted.

Part of it is certainly due to the fact that I know if I eat or drink the wrong things I will immediately feel sick.  That is a powerful deterrent!  But the miracle of today is that I didn't even WANT those things!  Dare I hope that my mind is turning away from the destructive behaviors of my past?  I have decided to just put today in the victory column and worry about tomorrow when it arrives.  I know my husband would be cheering me on today and I am comforted by the thought of him reunited with his mother.  Life is not easy...this journey is not easy...but I am finally beginning to see that I am worth the work!  Goodnight all.