I am so completely off my normal posting schedule that it feels strange to be sitting here eating dinner on a Thursday night and posting! Again the weekend got away from me and I completely spaced about updating my blog! So here I am trying to catch up a bit!
A couple of things have happened since my last post. I have started getting ready for my next 5K which is on September 13th. I am excited to do another race and this one is also really close to home so it will be fun AND convenient! I have not been running much lately and so I am not expecting great results...but I know I can do the race and the fun is in the participation.
The other pretty big thing that happened revolves around my own body image and the new clothes I am able to wear. I am officially in a size 14 pant and a size L top. I have given away most of my larger clothes (although I still have a few that need to be weeded out) and I have slowly integrated my new clothes into my wardrobe. Now when I say "new clothes" what that means so far is the same style of clothes I have always worn - just in smaller sizes. But last weekend I went shopping with my older daughter and I decided that I wanted boots. Knee high boots. Black knee high boots. I have wanted boots for a long time since I just love the look, but with my size it just wasn't going to happen. So I decided that I was going to get these boots (which were on sale and an extra 50% off) and see what I could pair them up with in my closet. I had a couple of ideas of outfits and was really excited to give it a go. So on Tuesday morning, I got dressed in my black leggings, a black and white tunic top with a long charcoal sweater and my boots. I went into the spare bedroom that has the full length mirror...and I had a complete panic attack! I looked into that mirror and I saw a fat old woman who was trying way too hard to look "cute". I stared at myself and wondered what the hell I had been thinking when I bought those boots!!!??? How could I possibly have thought that I could wear an outfit like this? In near tears I pulled off all the clothes and went back into my closet and pulled out a pair of black dress pants and a loose fitting shirt and I immediately felt safe. Really ??? Safe?? Since when had the way I dressed made me feel "safe"? I was already late to work by this time and so I just sucked it up and went to work. That night I Face Timed with my daughter in college and admitted to her what I had gone through that morning. She was appalled! She said "go and put that outfit on right now!" So I did. What followed was a 21 year old woman teaching a 54 year old woman to love her body! By the time we hung up she had convinced me to wear the boots to work the next day and (in her words) "own it"! So...I did. When I parked my car at work and got out I was so uncomfortable! I was sure that all the workers at the store were going to stare at me and wonder what the hell I was thinking! But that is not what happened at all. As I was headed up the stairs, one of my employees said "good morning, you look amazing today!" I stammered a thank you and headed to my desk. Throughout the day, I got compliments left and right. People who had never commented on my 60 pound weight loss suddenly took notice and told me how great I looked and how I was inspiring them to lose weight. Several people told me they loved the boots and asked where I got them. One of our salespeople told me (as I was coming back from lunch) that he didn't want to be "weird" but he wanted to tell me how great I looked! It was so uplifting and reaffirmed what my daughter had said to me the night before...people will love it if you act like YOU love it. She told me to "rock it" and that's what I did! It was a big step for me. I have never (at least in the last 20 years) worn clothing that was form fitting or that would in any way draw attention to my body. That day I did...and it was just fine! My brain needs to catch up with my progress and stop telling me how fat I am and how I can't wear that or how I can't do that! I thought I was past that stage, but obviously I have more work to do!!
I don't understand the tendency that I have to put myself down. You would think that each one of us would be our own biggest cheerleader...but so often that is not the case. Logically I know that I should be kind and nurturing to myself, but so often I am just plain mean. I am trying to learn from the "boots experience" and give myself permission to try new things that take me out of my comfort zone. I am going to try and think "what's the worst that could happen"? So what if people don't like my outfit? So what if they think it doesn't suit my size or my age? Is that really the end of the world? Am I really so governed by what everyone else thinks? Is what they think more important than what I think or want ?
So that is where I am today. My weight is still hovering around 165 and I know that I need to get more focused on my exercise so that I can lose this last 30 pounds. I will get there. I will not give up and I will not go back. The future is what I make it...and I want to make it fabulous!!!
Later...
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